


Unconventional Methods

by Trickster_Angel



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Crack, Flirting, Humor, Implied Relationships, M/M, ok very obvious relationships, slightly more than implied relatioships, spoilers for season 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 06:05:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4655427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trickster_Angel/pseuds/Trickster_Angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix decides to engage in unconventional methods to torture the Reds and Blues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unconventional Methods

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sassyandsodone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassyandsodone/gifts).



Locus sat in an uncomfortable chair, listening to the radio. Although the New Republic, Feds, and Reds and Blues were incompetent, he and Felix still monitored their conversations. It was mind numbing but it had to be done.

Felix had already retired for the night, leaving his partner to monitor the radio. Sometimes they’d get strategies and new intel, but mostly it was inane chatter.

“Hey, Simmons,” Grif said, “Have you seen my Fritos?”

“You kept Fritos all this time?” Simmons replied in disbelief.

“Yeah. And now they’ve gone missing. You think Bitters took them?”

“Dude, I don’t know.”

“Bet Matthews knows. I’m gonna find him.”

“Where do you think you’re going?” Agent Carolina interrupted.

“To find Matthews,” Grif tried to excuse himself.

“We need to call a meeting.” Locus recognized the voice of Kimball. He’d never met the woman, but at least she wasn’t as annoying as the Reds and Blues.

“About what?” Grif asked.

“About the fact that we’ve been betrayed. And that we’re now working with the Feds,” she replied.

“We need to come up with a better strategy for defeating Charon,” Church butted in. Locus leaned forward in his chair, as if he’d hear better.

“It appears as though we need to work together,” Doyle said. Locus couldn’t help but smirk. Kimball was a woman of war but Doyle could never be a soldier.

“But after fighting for so long, it isn’t easy to get the troops to get along,” Kimball said, “That’s where you all come in. They all look up to you. You’re the ones who exposed Felix and Locus.”

He sighed. That wasn’t due to their skill; it was because Felix was an idiot with a big mouth.

“We need to prove that we’re all on the same side,” Tucker said.

“The question is how,” Agent Washington said coolly.

“I know!” Caboose shouted, “We can throw a party!”

“An excellent idea, Caboose,” an automated voice said. That was not a voice Locus recognized. Did they have another AI on their side? He made a note in his records to find out.

“Freckles thinks it’s a great idea!” Caboose added. Locus scratched out the note.

“I . . .’t th . . . ckles . . . autho . . .” Locus recognized Washington’s voice but the noise was covered by a crinkling.

“Who . . . ckles?” Doyle asked.

“I can’t hear you,” Tucker said.

“What was that?” Carolina demanded.

“Static,” Kimball answered curtly, “It happens sometimes. It’ll go away in a bit.”

Locus exhaled in annoyance. Static was an irritating interference, especially when their technology was so advanced. No radio should have static anymore.

“Anyway, we were looking f . . . dea . . . out . . . . . . . morale,” Doyle’s voice faded in and out as the static grew louder and quieter. Locus smacked the radio, but the background noise didn’t disperse. He gritted his teeth in anger.

“Church, can you fix this?” Carolina asked.

“It’s not the radio,” the AI replied, “Everything seems clear from this end.”

“Run . . . nostic on . . . rad . . . ,” the Freelancer demanded.

“Sorry Carolina,” Church said, “Didn’t get that.”

“No one did,” Washington deadpanned.

“Maybe our enemies are listening to our every move!” Sarge said, his voice started low but got louder with every word. It almost made Locus smile.

“No, that’s impossible,” Kimball said, “This is a secure channel.” That made Locus smile.

“Besides, it . n . t lik . . . ey ha . . . . .bet . .  r thin . .. to d . . . . h their . . . e,” Tucker said, “So . . . a bit . . .”

The static made Locus’s ears hurt. And it was random too. Normally, static would interfere in a more predictable pattern. But this wasn’t.

“That sounds like Fritos,” Grif mentioned, “Like someone’s eating Fritos.”

“You’re just hungry,” Simmons said, dismissing his fellow Red.

“W . . . ve . . .gger prob . . . s tha . . . ur hung . .” Carolina snapped.

“Th . . s . . .anno . . .” Tucker complained.

Locus didn’t want to put up with this. The noise was giving him a headache. Let Felix deal with it.  Taking the radio with him, Locus got up and walked out of the room. At this hour, he knew he’d find his partner in his room.

The walk from the controls to Felix’s room took Locus all of a minute. When he opened the door, the soldier let out a sigh. “I should have known it was you.”

Felix was reclining on a chair, his bare feet on his bed. He was in his pajamas, a black tee shirt with black and orange stripped pants. In his hands, he had a bag of Fritos and a radio.

“You’re lucky I have quick reflexes,” Felix said with a smile, gesturing his head towards the radio, “otherwise they’d have found out.”

Locus took his helmet off. “What are you doing up?” he asked, “I thought you went to sleep.”

Felix gave him a coy smile. “I thought I did too. But then Grif mentioned his Fritos and I got hungry. So I decided to have some fun. It’s driving them nuts.”

“They’re not the only ones,” Locus complained.

“Hey, shhh,” Felix said as he turned the radio back on. He rifled through the bag for a chip, then brought the radio close to his mouth as he crunched down.

“We can’t have a civilized conversation with that noise!” Doyle snapped. Felix turned the radio off to laugh.

“Can’t you do that quietly?” Locus asked.

“They’re Fritos,” he replied, “What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?”

“You can’t go two minutes without making noise,” Locus complained, “I should just gag you and be done with it.”

Felix gave him a seductive look. “You know how talented my tongue is. For more than just talking.” Locus let out a long-suffering sigh. Felix turned the radio back on.

“We need to check the radio towers,” Kimball said. He munched on another chip, varying the distance the radio was from his mouth. The leader of the New Republic faded in and out with Felix’s motions.

“Those darn Blues,” Sarge said.

“What’d we do?” Tucker demanded.

“Um, Sarge, they’re right here,” Simmons replied, “They’re not doing this.”

“Don’t blame him too much,” Grif said nonchalantly, “It’s hard to break old habits.”

“Will you all shut up and . . . .” Felix bit down as hard as he could and crumpled the bag right next to the radio so whatever Carolina said was lost to the noise.

“Ugh!” The Freelancer was angry now. Felix flipped the radio off to laugh again.

“Why are you doing this?” Locus asked.

“There are more ways to torture someone than with a knife,” Felix responded. He looked at Locus as he took another chip.

“The radio isn’t on,” Locus pointed out.

“I know. I’m waiting.”

“For what?”

“You’ll see.” Felix only got that smile when he had a victim within his reach and planned to make their death long and painful. Locus never thought he’d see that smile when Felix held a corn chip but there was always a first time for everything. Except Felix shutting up for more than five minutes.

Another minute passed. Felix kept that sadistic smile on his face as he turned the radio back on.

“I think it’s done,” Washington said as a few soldiers breathed a sigh of relief. Felix brought the radio right next to his cheek and put another chip inside his mouth. The sounds of chewing was accompanied with screaming on the other end.

Felix had to turn the radio off as he laughed, nearly bending in half.

“How long do you plan to do this?” Locus questioned.

“Until Wash snaps,” Felix said, “I bet it’ll be hilarious.”

“You could do something productive with your time.”

“I am being productive. I’m torturing them, lowering morale, having a good time, keeping tabs on the radio, and having a snack. I don’t know how I could do anything more. I’d like to see you do this many things.” The soldier turned the radio back on and started snacking again.

“This is the worst radio ever. Of all time,” Washington lamented.

“This is ridiculous!” Carolina yelled, “Do something, Church!”

“I am!” the AI replied, “There is no interference. I don’t know what this is.”

“I’m telling you guys, it’s Fritos,” Grif insisted.

“Shut up, Grif,” at least three people yelled.

Felix switched the radio off.  “Amazingly, he’s the cleverest one there.” He flipped it back on.

“We can fix this. Head back to our last used frequency,” Kimball instructed. As the group took the time to fix their radios, Felix did as well. They’d been listening in for a long time so the change didn’t even phase him.

“Is this channel okay?” Donut asked hopefully. Felix crunched down on a chip to signal that it was not.

“Fucking shit!”

“Son of a bitch.”

“Ooo, language,” Felix said mockingly as he turned the radio off.

“You will give us away,” Locus insisted.

“I will not,” Felix snapped petulantly. Locus didn’t push it. If Felix got an idea in his head, making it leave was more trouble than it was worth. He flipped the radio back on, and resumed crunching happily. He crinkled the bag for good measure.

“Maybe it’s some sort of secret code!” Sarge suggested.

“Are you serious?” Church asked.

“’Course I’m serious. It could be Morse Code. Maybe someone’s trying to send a distress signal!”

“I’ll write it down,” Simmons volunteered eagerly.

Felix flipped the radio off. “They’re trying to find a message. How did these idiots save the galaxy again?” He turned it back on and put another chip in his mouth.

“Maybe it’s aliens!” Caboose suggested, “Tell them I say hi.  And Freckles says hi too! Say hi, Freckles.”

“Hi, Freckles,” the automated voice said.

“We’re still working on it,” Caboose said affectionately.

“How did we lose to these guys?” Felix asked, turning off their conversation.

“You didn’t shut up,” Locus deadpanned.

Felix waved him off, “That’s only speculation.” He switched the radio on.

“Hello everyone!” Dr. Grey entered the conversation, “Have you all been hearing someone eating Fritos?”

“What?” Simmons asked.

“I was right!” Grif cheered.

“Fritos?” Kimball questioned.

“Yup,” Dr. Grey said, “Someone on an outside link is eating Fritos.”

“Well, you caught me,” Felix said, “Wish I could have stayed on longer though. Your reactions are priceless.”

“Felix!” Tucker said.

“Son of a bitch!” Carolina yelled. There was crash in the background.

“Ooo, I hope that wasn’t something expensive,” Felix taunted, “Actually, I hope it was.”

“Felix,” Locus sighed, annoyed that he wasn’t getting off the radio.

“How did you get this line?” Washington asked calmly.

“You act like this is hard for us,” Felix replied, “Some soldiers are better at their jobs than others.”

“Felix, hang up,” Locus ordered.

Felix put another chip in his mouth. “Decode this, assholes.” He bit down.

“He stole my Fritos!” Grif shouted, “I’ve had them since training.”

The look of horror in Felix’s eyes almost made Locus laugh. He spit the chip back into the bag before desperately trying to find the best buy date.

“Dude, that’s disgusting,” Simmons replied.

“Well, I’ve got to go,” Felix said, well composed, “Same time tomorrow.” He turned the radio off.  “This asshole had these chips for six years!”

“Now we’ve lost the channel,” Locus said angrily.

“Please,” Felix replied. He turned the radio back on and adjusted the frequency.

“What does it mean?” Caboose asked curiously.

Tucker replied, “That Church is a dumbass and Felix is an asshole.”

“I heard that,” Felix said before turning the radio off and tossing it to Locus. “They’re easy enough to find. You can keep listening if you want. I bet it’ll be gold. In the meantime, I’m gonna go throw up.” The soldier slid past Locus and ran down the hallway.

Locus sighed. “Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a gag reflex.”

**Author's Note:**

> My first fic for the RvB fandom. Thought of it on a walk with my sister so the idea's as much hers as mine.  
> I hope you all enjoyed it. Please leave a comment or kudos. They keep me going. :)


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